Lucky people all have a cool uncle. They roll into thanksgiving dinner with a leather jacket, 3 days worth of stubble and a new “aunt” each time. They gave you your first Swiss Army knife when you were probably a little too young to even know what it was. Likely they had some vague job or method of subsistance but even in your childhood you knew they had it figured out. With the legalization of marijuana in Canada, it’s imperative that we realize we are now the world’s cool uncle [F* the Netherlands] and that we have to assume the responsibilities that come with that. Being the cool uncle won’t be easy for everyone, but following this guide will help even the most uncool among us (i.e. people who play ukulele) fit in.
Firstly, when confronted by anyone from another country asking about our legal weed, we need to pass it off as an afterthought. “Legal what? Oh, right. Ya, whatever. Nobody even talks about it nowadays.” This aloofness is not only endearing, it is a staple of cool uncles everywhere. Acting disinterested raises the mystery and leaves more to people’s imagination.
This next bit is for people who clearly have never smoked weed in their lives. Don’t go ruining this for the rest of us. It’s not cool to have headlines of stoned newbies causing fender benders, calling 911 to report themselves stoned or worse yet, over posting “cool” pics of them getting blazed. If you’ve never smoked weed before and legalization is what’s making you start, maybe weed isn’t for you. If you’re still going to try it, take it slow and remember you’re really late to a party that maybe you shouldn’t be at anyway.
Do your homework. Since the laws in Quebec and across the country are different, research your provinces laws to avoid the “it’s a free country, MAN” rationalizing. You’ve just won the biggest battle aside from gay marriage rights in the last 30 years, so let’s have some perspective. No: you can’t smoke weed on bus. No: you can’t smoke weed in schools. No: you can’t smoke weed on an airplane. Being the cool uncle involves understanding all these laws and not stirring up the popo for no reason. All these things should be an afterthought but some people are sure to feel empowered by legalization and take it too far. If you fall within that group, you being arrested will help swiftly.
Another tip: break up with your old dealer. Cool uncles never had a relationship last more than a few months and neither should you. Weed will be available to be delivered, picked up or even mailed to you at normal prices. Yes, you’ll initially miss the awkward small talk that was a necessity of dealing with a dealer. That was a trick, nobody will miss it. Headlines of how much of a success legal weed is in Canada will only raise our cool factor, increase buying options and stores and solidify our reputation globally.
With great power comes great responsibility, so I’ve been told by comic books. It’s finally our time to watch the world discover what we Canadians have all known forever: We’ve always been the world’s cool uncle;
And we’re finally getting out on parole.