An occasional advice column, from our as-of-now-fictional Washington-based sister company MUSAPAPER.com (the site does not yet exist, but Moosepaper owns the domain!) :

Dear Ms. D. C.,

I’m in a bit of a legal pickle. You see, I’m a lawyer acting for a Washington bigwig I’ll call Donnie. The problem is that the FBI raided my office and now I need my own lawyer. What should I do?

Manhattan Mike

Dear Manhattan Mike,

Not to worry. So long as you followed the legal profession’s ethical guidelines, you should be OK. If not, then not only should you get a lawyer, you should get one with questionable morals. Then he would need his own lawyer and so on and so on, kind of like one of those Russian nesting dolls, if you know what I mean. That way, the investigation can be drawn out for years.

Ms. D. C.


Dear Ms. D. C.,

I am a well-known TV personality and a big fan of our current president. I’m also one of three clients of Michael Cohen, the other two having benefitted from non-disclosure agreements signed with a porn star and a Playmate. Now I’m worried that people will think there’s only one reason that I hired Mr. Cohen.

Fox in the White House

Dear Fox,

That’s a distinct possibility but I wouldn’t worry too much. It doesn’t seem to have hurt the reputations of the other two clients and, so long as your wife doesn’t mind, I think you’re safe. Just make sure you don’t publicly support those two guys and not disclose your relationship with Mr. Cohen. That would be a conflict of interest and you’d have to hire yourself a whole team of lawyers.

Ms. D. C.


Dear Ms. D. C.,

I’m originally from Indianapolis but now I live in Washington with my husband who’s only a heartbeat and about fifty feet away from the Oval Office. The problem is that his boss is an erratic goofball who’s always putting my hubby in embarrassing positions. He’s so upset that I’m afraid he might do something crazy like quit or dine alone with a woman who’s not his wife.

Veep’s wife

Dear Veep’s wife,

Tell your husband to hang in there and that he’ll be rewarded. It sounds like his boss will eventually shoot himself in the foot thereby opening a position for your spouse. So long as he keeps his mouth shut and continues to dine alone, I see a big white house in your future assuming his boss doesn’t start a nuclear apocalypse first.

Ms. D. C.


Dear Ms. D. C.,

I used to be the nation’s top law enforcement guy but then I got fired. I really tried hard at my job but somehow I managed to annoy people on both sides of the political aisle. How can I make amends?

America’s Chief Dick

Dear Chief Dick,

It sounds like you’re suffering from an acute case of BS or Boy Scout syndrome. By trying to come off as squeaky clean, you only complicated matters and screwed everything up. The best thing you can do is shut up, keep a low profile and wait for all this to blow over. Just don’t do something stupid like write a tell-all book or be interviewed repeatedly on national TV.

Ms. D. C.


Dear Ms. D. C.,

I’m the Chief of Staff for a Washington-based leader but he’s making my job very, very difficult. Every time I try to normalize relations in the office, my boss stirs things up by contradicting me, firing someone or sending out an inflammatory tweet. I’m at my wit’s end. What should I do?

Johnny K.

Dear Johnny K.,

Quit, already!

Ms. D. C.