An occasional advice column, from our as-of-now-fictional Washington-based sister company MUSAPAPER.com (the site does not yet exist, but Moosepaper owns the domain!) :

Dear Ms. D. C.,

I’m getting pretty annoyed with all these second-rate people around me. First, there’s this genetic freak of a former FBI head who’s comparing me to a Mafia boss. And now my third-rate lawyer has got the feds picking over all his files. I’m thinking I’ll just fire the guy.

Yours truly, Mr. Small-Hands

Dear Mr. Small-Hands,

I know that’s tempting but maybe you should start treating him with some respect. After all, it sounds like he knows where all the bodies are buried and might want to sing like a canary if the feds make him an offer he can’t refuse. Capiche?

Ms. D. C.


Dear Ms. D. C.,

I work for a great man in Washington, perhaps the greatest man ever. I want to be loyal to him but I’m being told I might have to go to prison if I don’t cooperate and spill the beans. What do I do?

Sincerely, Mikey the Fixer

Dear Mikey,

I wouldn’t worry too much. Remember, you can always “take the Fifth” to protect your boss. And, from what I’m hearing, your boss can always pardon you if you get convicted assuming, of course, he feels any loyalty to you. However, unless you get that in writing, you might want to take the deal.

Ms. D. C.


Dear Ms. D. C.,

I am a former mayor of New York who singlehandedly saved the city after 9/11. Since then, I’ve tried running for president but people seem to forget the great job I did after 9/11. Now I’ve been reduced to taking a job as one of the president’s lawyers. Is that really fair for someone of my historic stature?

Truly, Moody Rudy

Dear Rudy,

Sometimes life isn’t fair and sometimes you should stop beating a dead horse or, in your case, 9/11. Maybe give 9/11 a rest and be thankful you’ve got a job at all. Remember, it could be worse; you could be Chris Christie.

Ms. D. C.


Dear Ms. D. C.,

I am a great Far Eastern leader who has made his country a feared nuclear power. I’m now trying to parlay that nuclear strength into becoming an accepted member of the international community of nations. The problem is I have to put up with an opponent who calls me Little Rocket Man.

Mr. Kim The Giant

Dear Kim,

Congratulations on your nuclear achievements and don’t worry about the nasty name-caller. I suspect he’s nothing but a big bully so just offer to meet with him and pretend to give him whatever he wants. He’ll think he’s made a great deal but you’ll know better and continue to do what you like.

Ms. D. C.


Dear Ms. D. C.,

I am the CEO of a very successful social media company that shall remain nameless but does have a bird as its corporate symbol. The problem is that, ever since the Facebook debacle, we’re also getting a lot of heat about our failure to protect our users.

Jack The Terrible Liar

Dear Jack

I know someone in Washington who calls himself the Tweeter-in-Chief. I think he could be a big help to you. Just let him know you’re getting pressured by the government and I’m sure he’ll get those officials to back off. One tweet from him and you won’t have to worry any more about those silly privacy issues.

Ms. D. C.