An occasional advice column, from our as-of-now-fictional Washington-based sister company MUSAPAPER.com (the site does not yet exist, but Moosepaper owns the domain!) :

 

Dear Ms. D. C.:

I’m a bit embarrassed to write but I’m really upset and I don’t know what to do. My husband had affairs with a porn star and a Playmate and it’s making me doubt whether I should stay married to him. His lawyer even paid hush money to the porn star to buy her silence. What should I do?

Angry in the White House

Dear Angry in the White House,

It sounds like your husband has a problem. Does he have a past history of infidelity? Does he say mean and sexist things? Has he been caught in a lie on more than one occasion? Ordinarily I’d recommend the services of a marriage counselor in such a situation but if you answered “yes” to each of these three questions, I suggest you move back to Manhattan and hire a good divorce lawyer.

Ms. D. C.


Dear Ms. D. C.:

I am a high-powered executive, possibly the highest-powered executive ever. Yet I’m having a hard time maintaining a staff of useful advisors. It seems like every day I have to fire another one of these incompetents and take on the functions myself. Given my amazing talents, I can do that but I’m worried that it won’t look good if I end up doing everything.

John Barron

Dear John:

You can’t help it if you are an eagle surrounded by turkeys. I say go for it and take on as many functions as you can. You do all the work anyway and therefore should get all the credit. Just don’t do something stupid like slap tariffs on foreign steel and aluminum or promise a Mexican border wall.

Ms. D. C.


Dear Ms. D. C.:

I’m the second in command to a very powerful man but it’s getting harder and harder to work with this guy. He’s erratic, immoral and possibly deranged. I know I can do a better job than him but I don’t feel that I can wait around forever. God originally called me to serve but I’m wondering if He has forgotten about me.

Frustrated in the West Wing

Dear Frustrated:

I appreciate that you feel that your talents are being wasted especially since you appear to be on a first-name basis with the Almighty. Take heart, however; if you are who I think you are, you may not have to wait much longer. And you don’t have to worry about doing the dirty deed yourself. If I’m correct, the Chief Justice of the United States rather than the Vice President would preside over an impeachment trial in the Senate so you could still appear to be loyal to your boss if that’s what you’re worried about.

Ms. D. C.


Dear Ms. D. C.:

I am a two-term senator from Florida with presidential aspirations. However, every time I try to pretend to take a stand on an issue, I get called out for being in the pocket of special interests. How can I project an independent image without having to give up all those millions from lobbyists?

Little Marco

Dear Little Marco:

I think you’ve made a strategic error common to many younger politicians in Washington. There’s nothing wrong with taking money from special interests; the key is to take donations from organizations on both sides. For example, if you’re taking money from the NRA, make sure you also get some cash from Planned Parenthood. If you claim that makes you a hypocrite and would be contrary to your ethical standards, you have no business being in Washington.

Ms. D. C.


Dear Ms. D. C.:

I do not live in Washington but I am friends with many people who do including your president. I do many favors for him and he, in turn, helps me out. Recently, he had no choice and had to expel some of my diplomats and I had to do likewise. I don’t want him to think that I am mad at him or disappointed. How can I make him understand?

Pootie-Poot

Dear Pootie-Poot:

Not to worry. I am sure that your friend knows that you respect and admire him. More importantly, I suspect that he is aware that you are very familiar with the word kompromat and he would never do anything to harm or anger you. To ensure the strength and continuity of your relationship, I strongly suggest that you make copies of any compromising tapes, recordings or information that you might have in your possession.

Ms. D. C.