“CAQ WINS IN A BLOWOUT”

Get used to cringeworthy headlines for years to come unless something is done immediately. It’s time to finally talk about the important issue with this election and it’s not political.

The CAQ really exploded onto the scene this election. The CAQ grew from 19 seats in Qubec’s National Assembly in 2012, to 74 seats as of yesterday when the results became official.

CAQ CAQ CAQ CAQ!!!” Teenage boys around the province of Quebec could be heard celebrating late into the night after the election.

The Coalition Avenir Quebec, aka the CAQ, has the unfortunate (or fortunate depending who you ask) distinction of sounding like a slang for the male anatomy. Yes, it’s juvenile. Yes, it’s immature. Yes, it should be a mere afterthought. However in a society where censors still edit out buttcracks on a show like Survivor, we can’t be faulted for chuckling at a headline that may be a double entendre. Jay Leno made a living out of that very thing with his popular feature “headlines” on his talk show for years. Montreal didn’t succeed in dodging the Leno bullet either, with John Abbott College’s “JAC” getting into the show’s segment multiple times.

Something needs to be done to prevent Quebecers/the CAQ from becoming the world’s punchline for the years to come. Great, now even I cannot resist. Can anything be done?

We can always try calling the CAQ the “See- EH – Cue”, like what was done on CBC with obvious avoidance on Monday night; But it just doesn’t quite roll off the tongue as easily. Oh god. I hate myself.

Anyways, perhaps we can call them by their full name “the Coalition Avenir Quebec” but that really becomes tiresome.

I think the only thing that can be done is calling them “Future Quebec”. It sounds hip, timely and most importantly, people love the future. Montrealers are especially well adjusted to the future. A time when our roadwork will be done (ok that will never happen), hospitals will be running smoothly (doubtless also never), unions will be happy (hmm) , snow removal will be perfected (kill me now), the list goes on and on. I also think when shortened to “F.Q.”, the world will know not to mess with us. I’m not saying this name change can happen overnight, but think it’s important to start now to avoid disaster. I think it will still satisfy teenage boys and immature adults alike. Let’s hope for more headlines like this in the years to come. “Quebec says no to Liberals with a big F.Q, win.”

Yep that’s it. FQ.